…Did the clown make you smile?
He was only your fool for awhile
Now he’s gone back home
And left you wandering there
Is it lonely?
Lonely
Lonely…
–from ‘Carnival town’, Norah Jones
what should i say, what should i do for you?
in one searing moment, i actually had this wild thought of severing the nerves in my hands. the moment passed in a few seconds, but i kind of realised how thinly stretched i was.
guess i do get abit crazy and masochistic when upset.
imagine, my homework is undone, i dont understand complex numbers, i dont understand content that all my classmates understand, my test results are symbolic of a retard with a half developed brain. and to top it all off, i play like some uselss shit rolling in front of the goal, letting in almost everything that was thrown at me.
yes, including;
all the time with a voice in my head screaming at me and accusing me of letting down the team that i love so much?
these few days, i wake up in the morning not wanting to go to school. really, i’ve never felt like this before. on some days. curling up in bed and not waking up for a few weeks suddenly seem very attractive.
i guess i just want to rest, and get away from it all.
and i can already hear my brother telling me; “then deal with it, [you stupid shit].”
ironically, probably the best advice i could receive now.
so tomorrow, i’ll still be picking myself out of bed, and lugging my gear to school.
really, i’ve been thinking that joining floorball in njc was one of the better choices i’ve made.
njfloorball have given me so much, and i’ve put so much of myself in njfloorball that i’m sure that in my memories, floorball and jc will be synonymous, even long after i graduate.
and i think of you guys all the time, your smiles, your tears, your shots, your expressions on court. 😉 and seriously, njfb, you people appear in my dreams every other day.
and i dream of nationals.
the bright white lights, the feel of the courts below my knees, the smell of sweat in the air, the cheers reverberating around the walls. the referee’s whistle. the buzz of the timer.
there was never any doubt, nor fear.
that’s how we’re going to play. fearless.. even when against stronger opponents. i dont really care if we could have gotten a better draw. after all, the game was never about them. it’s our game, and it’s about us.
was jcfloorball blog hopping just now, and it’s pretty obvious that all teams in A div are training hard; all of them want to win, all of them want to be champions.
that’s why i actually cant wait for nationals to come. XD. it’s simply a test of courage, a test of discipline, a test of mental strength, a test of the love that holds this team together, a test of hw much we actually want to qualify.
and man, i believe it’s a test that we can pass with flying colours.
we just need to believe that we can rise to the occasion, when the time comes ;D
rewatched yami no matsuei.
as usual, enjoyed the kyoto arc (episode 10-13) most of all, in a sick sort of way.
i mean, it’s the most sadistic arc of all, with psychotic doctor muraki playing mind games with and tormenting tsuzuki, who ended trying to erase his existence because of his immense self hatred. still, there’s something gratifying about watching people squirm in discomfort/shake with fear/break down in tears. i think it’s my dark side surfacing XD.
i wonder why fangirls revel in tsuzuki torture. or hisoka torture, for that matter. proof of this tendency can be found on fanfiction.net.
also found time between homework to listen to deadlock’s bangaihen “love begets love”. wonderful stuff XD. it tied up all the loose ends in the third instalment of the deadlock series, and it confirms the fact that dick and yuuto have finally found their happiness XD.
i’d love to find mine, too.
shittily exhausted. i swear, during the last part of training today, i was starting to have white splotches in my vision.
seems that for the past few days, i have been falling asleep just as my head touches the pillow.
but the sweet feeling of victory will accompany me tonight, just for tonight.
WHO DO WE PLAY FOR?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
see my huge smile.
きれいな女の子に囲まれ、笑っている君。
オレの前には絶対に見せない笑顔で。
オレはよく知っている。君は、オレにとっては手に入れない存在。どんなに待っても無駄だって自覚している。
それが一番傷付く。今でも、ちくりと。
“Religion is a crutch for the weak.” Discuss.
what sarcasm by governor jesse ventura, who probably quoted from karl marx.
this actually disturbed me so much that i decided to do this research topic for gp, despite being the only crazy one in class to attempt it. (people generally find economic and environment topics alot easier).
came across many anti religion quotes, most by outstanding sceintists, didnt like the sound of them. came across many perpetuators of this stand, many of them proudly declaring that he/she is strong to get by life without God, and all his/her successes were due to their effort and theirs alone, not by some divine help.
but why, when all humans are weak, because of the inevitability of death? there’s nothing wrong with having a crutch, because all of us are deficient in one way or another; in a cliche, nobody’s perfect.
with that, i found this really heartwarming site, among the hundreds of cynical articles;
G.I.M.P:
God Is My Protector “No weapon formed against you shall prosper.” (Is 54:17)
God Is My Provider “My God shall provide all your needs…” (Phil 4:19-20)
God Is My Physician “He who heals all your diseases” (Ps 103:2-4)
God Is My Pillar “…of cloud by day…of fire by night…” (Ex 13:21-22)
God Is My Preserver “I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever” (Ps 23:6)
God Is My Papa “The Spirit…by which we cry Abba, Father” (Rom 8:14-16)
God Is My Pillow “Come to Me…and I will give you rest” (Mt 11:28-30)
God Is My Power “Not of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.” (II Tim 1:6-7)
God Is My Pathway “No one comes to the Father except by Me.” (John 14:6)
God Is My Priest “The Great High Priest, Jesus the Son of God..” (Heb 4:14-16)
God Is My Prince “…The Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace” (Is 9:6-7)
God Is My Pilot “Even the winds and the sea obey Him!” (Mark 4:39-41)
God Is My Purpose “My times are in Your hand.” (Ps 31:15-16)
God Is My Pride “Let him who boasts boast of what God has done!” (I Cor 1:30-31)
God Is My Prophet “I am the LORD, declaring the end from the beginning.” (Is 46:9-10)
God Is My Peace “My peace I leave with you.” (John 14:27)
If God is a Crutch, It’s Because We’re All Crippled. What Can Your Crutch Do?
of course i cant write this in my essay, because my religious beliefs are classified under heart arguments and are unacceptable. but just food for thought yea.
“when the electron is in an excited state, it is unstable. it will quickly lose energy and fall back to the ground state. the energy is emitted as a single photon whose energy corresponds exactly to the difference in enerrgy levels between the initial excited state and the final ground state.”
— quote from quantum physics lecture notes;
hahahaha. sounds wrong.
okay nonono that’s not what i wanted to blog about.
a levels results was released on friday, and i was actually kaypo enough to go to the hall to see our seniors.
almost regretted that i did, because the atmosphere there was intimidating. happy people who did well aside, there were people slumped in the doorways crying, because their dreams are shattered. it’s scary to think that in less than a year we’ll be in the exact same predicament.
shit, i really want to do well. i know that my brain’s internal processor works at windows 95’s speed when everyone else’s is at vista, but i still want to do well to get into NUS. i’ll find a way somehow.
though now, i cant seem to start my wonderful ultra mugging plan, because i already have my hands full with finishing tutorials ahead of time.
nationals is a month away, and i feel like i’ve been playng floorball almost everyday for a long time. but giving away study time for a levels now is worth it, i’m sure it’s worth it. i need to become much faster and better in a month’s time, because i’m going to protect our goal with all i’ve got, and all i’ve got in a month’s time better be alot more that what i’ve got now.
because you see, i really want us to win too. first, the win should be a payoff of our own efforts, second, i’m sure all of us will dearly like to show a school that hardly knows we exist that we can achieve something, we’re competent, and that we deserve better.
even if the stakes are high (we just realised that another jc got a large bunch of super zai DSA players, lao eh >( ) i dont see why our initial dream should change, nor why our resolve should fade.
only 4 more weeks left, so all the way, njfb. i’m not eloquent, nor inspiring, but i love you guys, and i hope those four words are enough to bring my meaning across XD.
was ruminating while in the train alone today. it took me quite a while to
figure out why it hit me so hard in the stomach.
probably because i didnt want to figure out why. i didnt want to draw parallels to things that has happened, unpleasant memories which i hope will hurry fade away. i didnt want to admit that, above all other feelings, i was actually pretty frightened.
scared that perceptions of others can be so wrong, afraid of potential mistakes arising from there, pissed off that i cannot say with confidence that i wont do it again.
seems that everything is falling towards the centre.
curtain’s down, show’s over, dashed out among the rocks.
i passed jlpt1 by a few percentage points.
i guess i’m happy about the pass, since i didnt expect to.
those who prayed for me, thank you.
but i cant help feeling annoyed with the lousy score. depending on how free i am after A levels, i might actually consider retaking it. if not, i’ll be looking at passing BJT. yea, i feel like i’m thinking too highly of myself for wanting to, but i do want to study business japanese and its insanely conplex keigo sentence structures.
it’ll be fun to learn how to speak like a yakuza boss’s right hand man, like in dramas.
茉莉花の独り言 