誤りなんかしないから

i wont say sorry. it’ll be like admitting defeat.
i’ll make up for it, i must.

もやもや

rolling ball, fking slow reaction time.

seriously. if i’m going to go into the court as stressed and as frightened as i did today, i’m unworthy for court.

never again. i say this knowing that ‘never’ is an absolute and an ideal, but i really want to know that i’m getting there. this is being selfish, but i actually miss having someone to fall back on and someone to take me aside and point out my mistakes.

this thursday, i wont let njfb down, failure is not an option.
one dream one team one heart one soul. go for it, njfb.

guys, go there tml and make the game yours. i’m never too sure how seriously you guys take our encouragement, but i still want you guys to do well.

油断せずに

2 days more.

it’s there, it’s hanging, we’re going to grab it and make it ours.

it’s just this last little bit left, 2 weeks that will decide whether njfb can meet up to this challenge, whether njfb deserves respect from the school.
we’ll show them, we’ll show them it’s not a one off event, it’s a miracle that can happen again.

but i need all of you to believe 🙂

いけるかな

all you need to do is to get within 3 metres, and i feel almost unbearably uncomfortable. and i worry, whether i had a hair out of place, whether i was doing something you didnt like, whether my laugh was too loud for your liking…, all while looking at the oppsite direction, feigning disinterest.

like some dumb, brainless female.

and i turn to go without looking back, losing another chance to talk to you.

kungfu fighting

played against a couple of violent top forwards today.

seriously, i would love to be the one pushing people around, rather than getting my head stuck between a very zealous butt and the goalpost. or being not able to see or push out because a shielder is determinedly pressing her butt into my face.

if this happened during nationals, i might be charged in court for grievous hurt, because i may have ripped off flesh from someone’s bottom.
hahaha. i feel my evil violent dna strain surfacing from my gene pool already,

but for now, i just want to ice my ankles, knees, bruises, and cover up the torn skin on my knee.

and maybe take some time to feel the brevity of new relevations, new knowledge, new perceptions of people, and the implications they bring.
and whether you believe me or not, i want to understand, i want to tolerate. i want to think that i know what you’re going through because i’ve been somewhere there before. but anger, hurt and humiliation are strong emotions, and they may just overpower my other intentions.

青菜に塩~

They all laughed at Christopher Columbus when he said the world was round
They all laughed when Edison recorded sound
They all laughed at Wilbur and his brother when they said that man could fly
They told Marconi wireless was a phony
It’s the same old cry
They laughed at me wanting you, said I was reaching for the moon
But oh, you came through
Now they’ll have to change their tune
They all said we never could be happy
They laughed at us and how!
But ho, ho, ho!
Who’s got the last laugh now?

—>They all laughed, by chet baker

下手

crunchtime.

so damn lousy keeping, everytime i think of my lousiness i actually shiver with disgust at myself.

a sloth is probably faster, remembering how i crawled in front of the goal.
again, failing to support during a line change. two throwouts that i should be horribly ashamed of. how many times am i going to make such shitty mistakes?

cant afford mistakes, because there’s no way i can put one right if i do make one on court. can only dig the ball out of the goal like some loser, and how i loathe doing so.

2 weeks left to correct everything, 2 weeks left to everything.

頭痛

i guess i saw it coming, but it’s still rather disturbing to be labelled as academically weak.

cant really blame anyone or anything except myself, it’s entirely my fault that i’ll go straight to bed after trainings most of the time, instead of hitting the books, because even if i do, i’ll be doing tutorials in a semi-dream like state. (it’s quite funny, i actually wake up the next day and find that i have written intelligible rubbish on my foolscap pad in response to the questions.)

but really, math scares the crap out of me. i cant believe that i’ve actually cried quite a few times alone in my room, creating mini puddles on my math tutorials like some hopeless sissy, after spending a few frustrating hours trying to do the same math question. i dont remember anything that ever scared me more than the nus forward during our very first match against nus last year. but jc math is different.. it’s like some huge concrete enemy that i’ve been battling my tiny fists against for the most of last year and this year as well, without avail.

these days, i feel like screaming and spewing all sorts of hokkien expletives, even though i know it wont solve anything.
i dont know how i’m going to go about it yet, but i will bloody make sure that i’ll pull my grades up, starting from common tests. i know it wont just happen, but i’ll make it happen.

it’s an ideal, but i do want to do everything perfectly well, be it floorball or studies. i want to be a good student, a good daughter, a good vice capt, a good friend, a good goalkeeper, all at the same time. i also wonder if it’s being excessively greedy to desire excellence. to be infallible, to be invincible.

not so easy, i realised.
but i dont intend to back down, because i know jasmine will cease to exist without her hopes, her dreams, her resolutions.
nationals, div1, Alevels, bring it on. i’ll be standing here, and i’ll be standing strong.

love stories

this is going to sound abit half-assed.

was reading the episodes sypnoses for the korean drama ‘last scandal’, because i knew that i wouldnt have time to watch the dvd itself. this is an abnormaly, for someone who usually gets disgusted with korean love dramas.

as i was reading about jang dong hwa and jang dong chul, two brothers (albeit two very different people) who ended up liking the same woman. i couldnt help but think of tatsumi and hisoka in yami no matsuei.
jang dong hwa, who is cool, calm, collected, controlled, polite, and appears to have done almost everything right. jang dong chul, who is hot tempered, impatient, blunt, foul mouthed at times, and acts on impulse. jang dong hwa gets ready for his heart to be broken and decides not to get in the way of their happiness, because he honestly wants sun hee to be happy.

jang dong chul got the girl in the end, because while dong hwa was fine with not being with her if she’s happy, dong chul is not.
although i’m slightly dazzled by dong hwa, i cant seem to decide who deserved her more.

it’s like tatsumi in episode 13, who sadly decides to respect tsuzuki’s decision to kill himself because ‘he had suffered too much in life and thus might be happier dead.’ hisoka, on the other hand, blows his top and jumps determinedly into the flames to drag tsuzuki out of the burning inferno, whether he liked it or not.

and i cant seem to decide who did the right thing.

funny, isnt it, that something so trivial could make me think so much yea. but i’m not used to not having an opinion.

守りたいもの

and i look at the red, oblong object that has been entrusted to me, something i need to protect.

and i must try to remind myself that it’s a priviledge to do so, yet i still wonder how it’ll be like to run free, without padding, without a helmet. i also wonder how it’ll be like to have someone to cover my back sometimes, instead of staring at everyone else’s.
but i do remember i stayed by choice, and i wont forget my purpose.. i knew, even back then, that during practice i’ll be up against my teammates, and not with them. and that goals are their joy but my sorrow. so i have no idea whether to be happy for them or to be horribly angry with myself. it’s abit mixed up.

it probably gets worse as nationals near.

every single goal i concede during training may be the same type of goal i’ll concede during nationals, so i go slightly crazy trying to prevent everything from going in.

because, from 28th april onwards, i cannot fail, nor show any loopholes in defense. i just cannot, it’s not an option. i’m not going to let the team down, not going to let myself down.

focus.