Wearing The Hat Doesn’t Make You The Hat

I sat at a quiet Starbucks and had a moment to myself—probably something that might be a rare occurrence in a couple of weeks—and felt the determined foot you stuck into my side. When I pressed it back down, the foot resurfaces somewhere up and in my ribs, and the ensuing sharp crack of pain means I can no longer drink my morning coffee, the one that was made decaf for you.

So up to date, I might have permanently lost the elasticity of my skin, some colours of youth, and pelvic floor strength. I have also (temporarily, I hope) lost sleep and an ability to walk more than two kilometres without feeling a need to sink into the nearest chair. But every purple scar I acquire comes with the joy and relief that you have put on another kilogram, and every rude jolt awake at night because you decided to bang on the walls of your chamber with your little fists is a happy reminder you are gaining strength.

While waiting for someone to extricate you, I think about the things you would undoubtably take away when you are out. My time? My health? My peace? All of these, probably thrown aside for your well-being for awhile. I never had the confidence that I would be good enough to take care of another human being, and perhaps never will. There has been no real indication that someone like me could ever teach you to be a better person. None at all! However, my time, health and peace? All can be foregone to become some kind of superwoman for you. That is because in return, I am getting you. And that seems like a great exchange.

I will, however, retain my right to be a terrible person—你是“妈妈”、更是自己！

Not Quite Myself

I woke sometime after 7.30am, ate some oatmeal, did the laundry, made a roasted vegetable lunch, started the hospital bag, wiped down some surfaces in the house and then settled down in front of the telly to watch some Gordon Ramsay so I could do more kitchen studies in the next four weeks or so that I had to myself. Instead, a video on Youtube entitled 「生後1週間の赤ちゃんの一日」played. It was a vlog of a one week old little boy and he had a white onesie on and a lovely emerald green wool blanket. I sat and cried at the thought that something so beautiful could be mine.