Sometimes Courage speaks Real Quietly

And between a changing body and the doctor visits I am straining to hear her voice. On the other hand Worry is loud and incessant and difficult to ignore.

What else is there to do? I put words and numbers in boxes on a spreadsheet, each cell containing useful information, or a potential solution to a future problem. The font is Calibri, the font size is 12 and all headings are bold. I name the tabs on the sheet things like ‘Costing, 0-2 Years’, ‘Schedule’, ‘Diet’, ‘Hospital Packing List’, ‘Development’, and order them in the colors of the visible spectrum of light, like I always do, when there is something that is very, very important, so very much so, that notion of failure would render me teary and shaky and cold in the limbs.

Making a spreadsheet will put an order to things that is calming, because each tab is an aspect that cannot fail and the contents of the tabs will tell me how I plan to not fail it. But the sheet will not answer some pertinent questions; Will I make all parts of you properly as you float about in water filled cantaloupe inside me? Will you be safe from the sharp corners, fast moving vehicles, micro-organisms and the dickheads of this world? Will you be happy, will you be kind?

I wish I could know.