よいお年を

Bidding farewell to 2015 and all the crap in it:

Reminiscing

Was going through the old posts to standardize formatting and was struck by how much I have changed over the last decade.

In the beginning of the year I was going through a bit of a crisis and clearly remembered sitting in a cafe in Orchard feeling like I lost my 23 year old self and everything she believed in, but I see now that I lose my old self, bit by bit, everyday. It’s a different person writing each post everyday. Fall in love with me everyday, just like how i intend to fall in love with you everyday, and it will no longer matter how much you might change.

Things that were very important to me back then no longer matter. People whom I have cared about in the past have all but dropped out of my life. Problems that I grappled with back then that seemed so large and terrible and life threatening are now so insignificant that I chuckle while reading about how distressed I was over them. All these were part of my life and are now part of me, but these feelings and memories and experiences have long been filed away and forgotten in some dusty attic of my personality.

I now wish I could tell my 16 year old self to not worry herself over O’levels, I wish I could tell my 17 year old self not to waste her time thinking about someone who didn’t return her feelings because someone will a couple years down the road, with a generosity I couldn’t have imagined back then. I wish I could tell my 18 year old self that she was smart enough to do A’levels, I wish I could tell my 19 year old self to not worry about her sexual orientation, I wish I could tell my 20 year old self the implications of sharing so much of her life with someone else.

And I am sure my 30 year old self will look back and wish that she could tell her silly, heartbroken 24 year self that everything will be fine, too.

I am

The biggest idiot in the world.

This dawned on me, after hearing about your conduct.. barely months after we happened. or was it less than a month?

This is no longer a sad angry post about being spurned, because I am neither sad nor angry. I now regard the past year’s heartbroken entries with disdain and some measure of disappointment with myself. They are still here on my long suffering blog because I accept that whatever feelings I processed at that time are still part of me and part of life, but I have never been so glad that this chapter of my story is closed.

Nor am I so sure I won’t look back!

はじめまして, WordPress

I created this wordpress page, in hope of moving away from the fc2 server, which seems to be getting messier over the years.

And then.. I realized that in return for a more polished interface and less spam for comments, you had to relinquish control over your web layout. Thus I remembered why I stuck with fc2 in the first place, for the past 8 years or so.

That said, I no longer have the energy to tinker with html scripts until I get my version of the perfect layout. Imported my fc2 posts here, all prior posts before this one, all 8 years worth of cringe-worthy writings.

 

ラーブアンへの出張

I flew to Labuan, an island that some promoters market as ‘the pearl of Borneo’ on the 30-Nov for work, and I will be based here for 3 months.

Work is slow and sometimes non-existent and I mostly go and come as I wish. Alcohol is cheap and plentiful, as with mosquitoes. The past month here has been; work, exercise, scratch my bites, get a foot massage, eat, bar hop and drink till tipsy, go home, repeat. If you so prefer, at said bars there is usually a row of women for sale at the back of the shop in stilettos and heavy make-up and usually looking bored while playing with their phones. There really isn’t much else to do here except to languish in depravity, which comes cheap. A local here told me it was a great place to rest, some has disdainfully labelled this place as a human waste pit, but I prefer to say it is good place to escape reality.

I spend most nights in dark noisy places both relishing in and fighting the throes of alcohol induced inebriation in the company of men who frequently drink and listening to their nonsensical banter while I nurse my drink and pray that I will be seen as someone who can hold her liquor well enough to still be asked out to drink. I have not the skill that comes with practice. My sobriety is sometimes simply just an act, but then again up to now I have acted well enough to fool everyone except the well-practiced. It’s sad I have to pretend, but then again it is a sad existence to constantly desire to be in another world while not having the courage to pluck my feet from the world which promises safety, security and surety. I will come to terms with it, sometime.

Somehow I get the feeling that this is not a lifestyle you might want when you are forty and your bones are aching and you just want to go home to your wife and kids and a cup of hot water, in the same way, I might be enjoying myself now and would be sad to leave next year but I might actually also be relieved that this lifestyle is temporary and not permanent. It’s conflicting emotions here, but then again I have already discovered what a conflicted being I am.