萌ようぜ、一緒に

was scrolling through the new BLCDs in my ipod in the MRT after i contracted ennui from my international relations readings (strange how something i used to find interesting can become so insipid just before the exam). realised that the new ones are utter crap, because they contain wimpy ukes or ukes who are not wimpy but act wimpy. gave up on abazure and ai nara uru hodo within 3 tracks of each. someone hand me an equivalent of ‘Deadlock’ or ‘Borderline’? i need it, there hasn’t been one in ages.

this one was passable, am halfway through it.
ごめんなさいと言ってみろ
yasumoto hiroki x yoshino hiroyuki

uncreative cover, but at least it is the uke pulling the seme’s tie, and not the other way round

put two men with attitude together on a collaboration, one a mangaka, one an author, and they simultaneously combust. just hope they don’t kill each other first. that’s just about as far as i got. i need to listen to the rest of the drama, once my paper is over, that is.

ホステル確認！

this is after trawling through the volumes of readings for my international studies module. i know i’m going to be trounced and screwed upside down by arts students next monday for my finals. but it’s okay, i’m still giving it a shot because i’m very good at fighting losing battles till the the losing end haha.

it’s a japanese studies module, thus it’s more in the perspective of japan rather than china. most of us weren’t sympathetic towards china in the first place, and after the module most of us still wont be haha. but honestly, china does behave like an oversized kid with too much power in her hands. but the now ‘civilised’ european nations were once like that too. before they placed themselves on a moral pedestal. we should give china time to grow up.

on a side note, vacation stay at RH confirmed! both nervous and excited.

立ち止まり

listening to ‘standing still’ by jewel, a song which i dug out of the collection of english songs i used to like a long time ago, except now the lyrics has taken on new meaning.

think the answer’s pretty clear, isn’t it. it’ll be plain hubris on my part to assume, or hope otherwise. but i will move on, because i believe in my own worth. who will, if i don’t?

but at the end of it all, i will remember to smile for myself.

人生は分からないな

went to a LAN cafe for the first time, with the ME people. i’ve had many such first times this year, which explains why i’ve been stumbling along lately. guess it’s both a good and bad that i’m stepping out of my comfort zone and doing things i’ve always said i wouldn’t.

it was surprisingly fun to shoot at people and draw blood, and i’m quite grateful that they were patient with a complete gaming idiot. i played for almost 2 hours and didn’t realise so much time had passed. whether gaming is catharsis, escapism, or a colossal waste of time, decide for yourselves haha.

the air condition in the mrt on the train ride home was really cold. figuratively speaking.

and at admiralty station on the walk home, i saw this really beautiful cat sitting tall and straight and dignified on the stone ledge. had a tremendous urge to sit beside it and pull it on my lap. it almost hurt not to go to it. but the cat didn’t even spare me a glance when i walked by it, and the feeling passed after awhile. i think God was trying to tell me something, and i should listen.

強さ

i’m really sorry i lied. but i needed the wake up call very badly.

But not tonight
‘Cause come the morning light, oh
I’m gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can’t see
The stronger woman in me
..Well tonight, I’m going to be
The kind of woman I’d want my daughter to be, oh
–> ‘stronger woman’ by jewel

これが鍵だ

愛されながら 愛したい!

that’s right, no more dreaming. let’s view this problem in cold logical terms. the silliness will stop, right here right now. the taste of disappointment is extremely bitter in the mouth but it’s nothing i cannot take, and i will get over it. tomorrow i will wear the usual smile as if nothing happened.

無駄なことを

basically screwed up my physics paper today. my brain just wasn’t moving. and i could see the p-v diagram, but all the cogs in my head were frozen. interestingly, i screwed up my programming paper last saturday as well. couldn’t even write the usual load of turd i write for programming. handed in a blank last question, except for a note to the teacher that i’ll do the inverse of a matrix by hand, not by writing some bloody program.
how incapacitation resonates.

remember how much kai from ao no kiseki hated his existence so much that he was actually unconsciously mentally calling on sanshirou to hurt him? sometimes i identify with that. perhaps if my parents got my elder sister instead of me she would have been prettier, kinder, less air headed, a better goalkeeper, and more inclined to use energy methods instead of kinematics like i did, when acceleration wasn’t constant, basically throwing away 20% of my physics paper. there are days i wished i weren’t born, usually when doing tasks simply not meant for people below par in mental acumen to do. not good for doing thermodynamics? not good for math? throwing balls to the opponent forward when you’re a keeper? what good am i then? should just throw my books out of the window and myself to follow la. or maybe just cut off everything i’m not satisfied with, namely my brain, my heart and most of limbs, till there’s nothing left but red and pain. someone help me with that? hold me down and chop me up and hurt me?

i am such a fucking imbecile. am yet i still attempt to claw my way out of the quagmire i’m holed in. should just choke on my own hopelessness and hurry up die. maybe if i stop struggling death would be less painful.

こんな夢を見た

i dreamed of beach balls, playing captain’s ball, strong winds, and google street cams. and woke up extremely at peace. but as to what the dream was about, i can’t remember.

thought of last night and the night before and felt slightly ashamed. am turning into some goddamn girl. should stop all this nonsense, especially when there is work to be done, and people to be loved.
待ってあげられないよ。付いて行かないのならそれでいい。

緩まない精神力で

wonder how is it that i can get flu twice in 3 weeks. doctor laughed, and prescribed stronger medicine and antibiotics, which made me go sickly green in complexion and walking around like a zombie on weak legs once i took them.

no physical strength left, just sheer willpower, my trusty willpower.
and burgeoning emotions. strange, i thought i was pretty focused in getting what i want. but now i’m a little confused as to what to think and feel and want now. i feel that something funny is happening under the surface, and it’s making me unsure, like i’m standing on moving sand.
i need time away, and time to direct my focus to my studies.
spending hours making notes again was extremely therapeutic. have been doing summary styled mind-maps for many years, and making them again brings a sense of normality into the situation. still it makes me sad that i can’t go out to run, and go through the catharsis that comes with slow hourly long jogs, because my respiratory system has just turned on me. the weather is almost perfect for running, dark grey stormy sky, smell of rain, chilling winds.

starting to sound like i’m on crack. but i guess strong medication does this to you.

I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in pain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand
—> ‘desert rose’ by sting

静かで恐いような

exactly like the calm before a storm.

like i’m supposed to happy with the way things are going, but i have this feeling that the amazingly azure sky is going to shatter and things will be in pieces before i know it. the feeling one gets just before one finds out she is missing the entire point. or that she is chasing after something that became extinct a few million years ago.
would someone be waiting with an umbrella? — is a rather irrelevant question. it’ll be more productive to think of ways to brave the storm alone then dwelling on useless hopes.

let out my inner wolf, let it trample on my fears and doubts, let me convince i dont need anything else except the pack.
God, i need your hand.

涙

a person as slow witted as i am should never have been born.

ダメ人間

it’s one of those days when things really dont go the way you want them to.

came back from training with aching limbs and dying knees. am 4 days behind schedule for my revision. glared at the EG online tutorial and promptly fell asleep in front of the computer. woke up, did the laundry, and continued glaring at the tutorial and my papers, which seem to make less and less sense, as my mood gets blacker and blacker. and i’m sure i dont need to tell you about the frustration of failing to do something you’ve been trying to do for days.

i want to do my work well. why is it so difficult to turn effort into visible results? i’m such an inefficient heat engine. all my time spent studying seem to end up being thrown into the cold reservoir instead of going into fruition.

彼に二度無視されたしね。かなり傷付いてるんです。
どこが足りないか、なにをすれば彼を喜ばせるかって、そんな事ばっかり考えていたんです。
けど、今まで見てきた彼の反応が、興味ないよってしか伝わってこない。
もう無理だと分かってるのに。
無理だと分かっていながらも、希望を捨てられないでいるんです。自分がみっともないなと思って。

makes me wish fervently that i could be the recipient instead for a change, but no, it’s something that only happen to other people.
it’s hard to keep envy at bay.

言葉にする勇気

i really dont think it’s ever possible.

discouraged.

but like all the thousands things that are beyond my ability to control, maybe i should just let go. i won’t ever admit that i will give up, but i think i can loosen my fist, since it wasn’t holding anything in the first place.