もういい加減醒めてよ

am dreading training nowadays, seem to get upset after trainings all the time. i think i’m forgetting how to enjoy the sport. haven’t gotten over the fact that i suck big time. and every time i feel like crying when my helmet’s on, i’ll be thinking to myself that i’ll go crazy soon if this continues.

it’s one an a half hours to the year 2011 and here i am, watching dogs 101 by animal planet and kitten videos on youtube, and get my mind off things i have no control over.
and what the hell, i can’t even touch alcohol because i have a friendly tomorrow.

膨脹

the pain in my ankle won’t go away.

especially after training, it can hurt so bad that i’d feel like sitting down in the middle of the walkway with my bag and helmet on the grass and pray that God would apparate me to the bus stop. took a long walk to IMM from the station and back, and i could feel the joint wobbling around in the socket.

but because no one here in flesh will care enough to carry me, i’ll be walking on. jasmine will be alright, God made jasmine strong.
realised this some time ago, but i really do like being alone most of the time; shopping alone, working on crafts alone in the wee hours of the night, studying alone (which ultimately leads to depression though), drinking alone in peace and quiet. i think it’s only when other humans are present that i fear silence, which will seem to eat into the air around us.
and i’m starting to type abit funny, probably because there is a little alcohol in the miso soup that i’m drinking in my room now. would have loved to bring to the hostel a bottle of rice wine su-san bought for me, but i have to steel myself not to, no no no alcohol before trainings, no alcohol binges till after IVP. as if it’ll help my shitty goalkeeping, i snort. but you can’t blame the underdogs for being desperate.

風船のように空に消えて行く

oh look, there goes my dream

because humans can’t fly, small is not big, slow is not fast, and stupid is not smart. and i have been trying in vain to change stubborn absolutes in life, but i’m running out of ideas and spirit.

クリスマスイブでした

by the time i reached home it was already christmas. nope, no snow, but the moon was glowing softly behind the clouds in the night sky.

Matthew 1:23
“Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel.”
happy birthday, Jesus.

浜辺での思い出

had some sort of OG outing today at sentosa. had fun in the sand with the OG people and the mech engin people, though somewhat marred by the fact that i couldn’t tumble and rush around on the sand at will because my ankle was killing me. really. felt like iron claws grabbing my bone and raking upwards.

then watched ‘meet the parents: little fockers’ with whoever was left after that. the movie was full of ribald jokes but thought it wasn’t good enough to be worth my seven dollars. the lady asked for my IC, when it was an NC16 movie. like …

but it was fun, and sometimes i forget i’m in masculine company. it feels comfortable to not need to think so much about what you do and say because of the average lowered sensitivity. don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing.

and to deviate, i somehow need to think for abit and digest stuff for awhile. it just cumulated what i’ve proudly declared to my brothers back then when i was a naive little brat in secondary school, and i need to try to remember if i have.. unknowingly let some words straight from my heart slip out, when i should have kept them under strict lock and key. knew a moment of joy mingled with fear.

炎の蜃気楼

physically tired after IHG training today. it wasn’t that demanding, think it’s some sort of collective fatigue from playing floorball for 3 straight days. realised that i have nothing else to do except to have a quick lunch at subway and return to my room and watch videos. guess being alone all the time is really eating into me nowadays.

picked up mirage of blaze from youtube, just to relive the notorious scene in which naoe tumbles takaya by brute force. in retrospect, if naoe really wanted to get away he could just have repelled him with spiritual power, but well.. also remembered why i didn’t fall in love with this pairing, it was because naoe was much too emotional; ‘why does it have to be me? if it wasn’t me, i wouldn’t have felt such shame in loving you’ ‘even without your memories, you continue to triumph over me’*naoe starts tearing*, which makes you want to back off from a character like that. chill man, takaya doesn’t even remember or know what you’re talking about, and is just listening to you emo in confusion. then naoe goes ‘i don’t care anymore!‘ and pushes takaya back down, while going あなたを抱き殺してやる！which literally means i’m going to kill you in my embrace. like huh? PMS? kind of takes him off the pedestal of super seme.

on the hand, there is sufficient evidence to infer from takaya’s flashbacks that the traumatic experience that blocks his recovery of his memories is some sort of male gang bang. oh, torment, anger, fear. this anime is one negative emotional roller coaster ride, in which everyone is depressed. don’t get me wrong, i derive voyeuristic and sadistic pleasure from seeing characters suffer, but i find overkill tasteless. like smile, guys! you’re japanese, be happy!

still, after so many complaints i’m kind of still watching haha. naoe held his hand with takaya this time and it’s not likely that naoe will go down on takaya again, but it’s always good to hope for the good things.

ボスの家

went to jun/hiro/susukida’s place yesterday with the ion work people yesterday.

they regularly feed this stray cat, which was languishing in their balcony. stared at her for awhile, and tried unsuccessfully to cajole her into coming to me. she seemed to have no interest in human company. but i love that about cats. had a wii session, sucked horribly at resident evil, and had yakiniku on a grill on their coffee table, the same kind of grill used to grill pork in kaiko ramen. i didn’t know communal yakiniku could be that fun. or charred mushrooms and eggplant in yakiniku no tare so delicious.

jun san happened to say that we didn’t seem like 19 year olds back in japan. and i wanted to retort; ‘because we don’t smoke, drink, put heavy makeup, have multiple boyfriends or bedroom experience?’ but i think it would be better not to cross the line with him, even if i feel that i’ve done that quite abit back then while working. but seriously, the level of conversation we can carry out with him with our imperfect japanese.. no wonder he might find us childish. or child-like. whichever you prefer.
but they, referring to jun san and hiro san, exhibited classic japanese hospitality, even to the extent of locking themselves outside to smoke since we were inside. and giving me access to their rice cooker and their sake when it will mean their rations of rice products will be greatly depleted. and we promptly made a mess of their living room, stuffed toys and female bags all the over their couch. but they were nice, and it was fun.

克己

i should block myself from facebook sometimes.

and sometimes you self affirm, telling yourself you can, you can control your feelings, you can shut the lid on any silly and undignified trains of thought because you are the ultimate master of your own emotions. and you repeat it over and over to yourself, drumming it on and on your head, until your synapses grow tired, until you feel slightly sick, because it begins to sound exactly like self denial.

specially when it starts and grows from the quick of the fingernails, which make you feel like balling your hands into fists and thinking logical thoughts to flush the emotions out.

but the charade has to go on, it does, simply because i have decided a long time ago that it would.

何処から来て、何処へ行くのか

where is this leading? there’s only the cesspit of ignominy or the abyss of the unknown and the untested.

孤独と自由

i checked into hall in RH today, and lao ma and i cleaned it up. it’s a good room, which probably means i won’t get it next semester haha.

solitude and freedom are starting to be synonymous. think i need to stop worrying and feeling sad about the former and start embracing the latter.
anyway i’m on the internet with a borrowed LAN cable and borrowed time, so gotta run. IHG table tennis tryouts in 20 minutes!

fear, fearless

止めるって言い放った瞬間、突然恐くてしかたがない。

自分の顔さえ

APEC’s first pre-trial training was today. was seriously toying with the idea of smsing captain in reply to the email asking for people who were interested to be sent to the trials under NUS. in the end i didn’t, but got talked into barging into the first training today anyway. was probably my worst mistake in half a year.

basically, sucked like some failed shit and made a complete ass of myself. there’s something inherently wrong with a goalkeeper which cannot goalkeeper, and i think i evaluated my entire floorball career sitting there waiting for 3 hours of being a laughingstock to end.
wasn’t the national team the end point of my dreams? didn’t i fight tooth and claw in A divs and everywhere else, but in the back of the mind knowing that the fundamental goal i had was still to make national team? so why was i a fucking sandbag just now, unable to perform, to the ire of the other players? and a cold voice inside tells me why, didn’t you notice? that’s what you’re made of.. shit.

guess i was chasing my heart out for something that will just.. be never within reach. why is that such a familiar feeling when it comes to me? spent a long time sitting on the toilet rethinking what i’ve done for floorball and what i’ve got in return, and perhaps finally got what sheryl meant back then. too much blood and sweat, too much heartpain, and near to nothing in return. yes, most of it was for naught. i will never make the national team this year, and i highly doubt that i will ever make the national team no matter how much more i give. a year ago, i would find such a statement ridiculous. back then i could simply chirpily argue that if i give my all, something will give, something will happen. and maybe now i’m starting to see that actually most likely nothing will. and that probably made me so sad that i cried out my heart and then washed away the tears in a hot shower, but it doesn’t change the fact that i’ll never become a first class keeper.

right.. which actually seriously opens the possibility that i should quit soon.

突然自信を無くしたような

how much of what i want is coloured by the perceptions and opinions of others?

listening to their stories and suddenly made me feel scared and indecisive, and i don’t like this feeling. it seems that unconsciously i’ve already taken a deep breath and decided that i will reach for the moon in a rocket, but have just been hit by a large cold splash of reality, that i most likely do not have fuel to reach escape velocity, nor a functioning parachute.

dear Jesus, please catch me if i fall.

*_*

took a long hot shower to wash off all the grime that had accumulated from being in that country for 5 days. had spent 7 over hours in a really dirty train with blood splattered toilets, and i really really don’t want to cross the causeway again anytime soon. my mom brought home a flu bug, and i brought home lungs polluted with second hand smoke. really isn’t

worth it.

i love being back home.
have training tomorrow, and i have two bad ankles, of which one is still swollen, and looking pretty gross. have no idea how i sprained them. was running in the hotel gym wondering why my ankles had been hurting lately and realized only upon examination.

and the slamming of a vertical sliding door on errant strands of thoughts really do work. but it doesn’t solve the root of the problem.

I’ve read the words before so now I know
Time has come again for me
And I’m feelin’ the same way all over again
Feelin’ the same way all over again
Singin’ the same lines all over again
No matter how much I pretend
–>’Feelin’ the Same Way’ by Norah Jones

がっかり、いろんな意味で

the BLCD ごめんなさいと言ってみろ ‘Gomennasai to Ittemiro’ turned out to be a sort of failure. i can’t believe one of Eda Yuuri’s works can be so shallow. maybe the way the script was written failed her, i don’t know. i really wanted my BLCD fix, and my BLCD forum membership back, but so far i’ve gotten neither.

on the hand, have been throwing myself into this extremely quote-worthy american sitcom called ‘big bang theory’. it’s been a long time since i watched anything with english dialogue haha. many thanks to the person who gave me all three seasons! the sitcom makes me feel i should aspire to be a physicist instead of an engineer.

yepp, it’s just a biochemical process.

will be leaving for penang tomorrow, to enjoy good food and the general inactivity. oh dear. i think my fitnesse and ab condition is currently in its worst shape in one and half years, and i’m going to exacerbate the problem. and it’s the dreaded time of the month, and the corresponding acne has arrived very punctually. also realised after packing in a record 20 minutes that i suffer from a chronic lack of clothes, and therefore am determined to cure this with retail therapy in the holidays. as for where the sudden vanity came from, it’s hard to explain.