the crux: shifting my priorities to put the team above floorball is so not my style.
it’s bitter regret that i’m feeling now, and i hope these black thoughts go away in due time so it won’t cloud my judgement and allow me to do stupid acts of indiscretion that will burn my bridges.
but i would have thought that making it clear from the very beginning that unfortunately, for me floorball comes first and not the communal goal but i guess it was naivete on my part to think that i would be able to escape the parts of my committee duties which clash with my own policies.
but i was, i repeat, past tense, motivated by a genuine desire to serve. despite the lone wolf attitude i take towards sport (8 years of being alone on the battlefield as a table tennis player don’t just fade away) i had loved carrying burdens for my team in my stint in NJ because it was what held me in place and pulled me back, against my natural tendency to walk as an independent body. because i knew, these people would watch my back for me and will be unlikely to give up halfway through a match.
it was great fun back then helping the team grow, and i thought i could do the same again for this team, but i forget. that while back then all we had was a fight to get ahead, floorball has now morphed from a simple desire to play better floorball to a series of wrangling with people politics and polycock between coaches, sport officers and each other. it’s ridiculous. all i want is to play floorball and play floorball well but it isn’t so simple anymore.
so i have to examine my objectives as to why i just affiliated myself with a team and a set of duties i don’t love when i don’t even care about the team the way i should. i just want us to play better floorball, that’s all. everything else is pretty much senseless in my opinion.
because again, politically correctness dictates that a bonded team is a winner regardless of outcome. but a bonded team which doesn’t win games has probably something fundamentally wrong underneath. and i have felt that was something wrong underneath. i don’t subscribe to playing floorball for people because it makes you a dependant factor on other people which are also dependant factors which makes the whole web of people so bloody fragile that one people problem can send you tumbling down. it makes a team wide open. and weak. true bondedness and true strength would come as a natural result in a group of people who love the game.
postulates which would probably be disagreed by many. which is why i’m feeling like i’m being dragged into senselessness.
but i understand, i have signed over myself, which is absolute and would not change regardless of how i feel or what misconceptions i had beforehand. so i wont drop this burden and carry it the best i can, and believe me i will, but you’ll be sure i’ll drop it once the contract ends.
so gonna put on some fucking performance for now, until people figure out that they’ll probably like my true face more.
茉莉花の独り言 