i’m never going to be pulled back. everybody will act normal. i will act normal. but inside my head i’m in some sort of private hell.
back then being blur would at worst result in a loss of a handphone, or having to take the long way because i got on the wrong bus. i can’t believe i went through so many months being completely fucking clueless through the whispers and the cold stares and the lack of interest whatsoever. maybe if i noticed i could have prevented this shit. being blur has never been so harmful. had been so utterly absorbed in playing with my own lego set in one corner and ignoring everyone and had no idea i was stepping on toes. told myself i have to bloody wake up my idea and look around next time. but now i feel like i’m cowering in a corner instead.
because now. every word that has a double meaning, every change in expression, every stray conversation will be perceived as malicious. and every little thing i do, i have to worry about its consequences. and be concerned about the way i look and the expressions i make.
most will probably tell me it’s all in my head and i need to get over it. and that i probably have to do it alone because it was all my fault in the first place and i brought it on myself. they’re right. it’s all in my head. but my thoughts are killing me. wonder if they’ll realise exactly how harsh it is and how badly i’ve taken this blow. dont think so.. i dont think humans will think too much for someone whom you think should take all the blame. that’s why i yearn for kindness now. hands. don’t have.
but what’s done is done i guess… i’ll never again feel like i’m part of this year’s IVP, even if i am as proud of it as they are. i can no longer join in the celebrations. and i am bitter that it has been perceived that all the training has been for naught this year.
fuck, it’s so difficult to stop drinking.
茉莉花の独り言 