恐怖

Oh the depths of my imbecility.

Would you laugh at me if i said i wanted to be a boxer? it’s been 2 months only and far too early to complain but i’m feeling the consequences of being inadequate in terms of cardiovascular stamina or muscular strength. That I can work on.

However above all I’ve been feeling discouraged, angry with myself even, for being afraid. I am often afraid. Afraid of getting hurt in the nose by someone else’s punch gloves, afraid of that instance pain explodes in my face and my head snaps back due to the force of someone’s punch in the face, afraid of that body punch that will hurt all the way down to your toes. Afraid that I will never get over that fear to step in the ring, afraid I will lose badly even if I did, afraid of being a useless shit which I know that I am quite capable of being.

And that’s why sometimes during training I will well up with tears and would have to sit very still until the urge to cry goes away. I know my fear shows. And at times I feel overwhelmed and have moments of weakness I know I can’t afford. I have to do something about it before I become a Very Big Disappointment. To my coaches and to myself.

And it was said that i must believe that the ring is my backyard and I can do whatever I want in it, and my opponent is only a visitor, subject to my whim ad fancy. And that a boxer cannot become one if he is afraid of the glove. Guess what, I probably ain’t qualified to even cut grass in someone’s backyard.